did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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