Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
