my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
