please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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