Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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