3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
