I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
