According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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