Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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