why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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