I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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