just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
