the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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