Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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