Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
