I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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