I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
