he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
