ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
