Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
