Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
