she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
