I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
