I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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