I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
