420 ftw
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I did not marry a roomba.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
