My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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