You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
