he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So. Much. Porn.
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