woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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