I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
