Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
