Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
