At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dignity is for republicans.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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