I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
