I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
