1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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