i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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