You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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