I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
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