Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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