pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
