that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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