Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
