my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
