i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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