I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize