Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
