mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
