I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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