I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
