a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
