after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
