It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
