i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
