tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
