I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
