I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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