I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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