a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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