I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
