why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
