I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
